SOFTER MOMENTS
I am sitting here at the computer, with so many thoughts on my mind, knowing that this entry is not going to be like what we’re all accustomed to reading. I’ve got the I-Pod playing in my ears, a song that is both inspirational yet sorrowful, and I’m wondering if I should really be putting this out there? There are a few bright spots to talk about, but I just feel that if I don’t get the not-so-bright-spots out, they will only fester and affect me later. Ultimately, this is MY journal and so it’s time to talk about the everyday moments in just a regular guy’s life and the ups and downs that I know we all have faced at one point or another.
This past week of work went pretty well for me. Every day was different as far as how the filming went (subject matter) and the times that we wrapped up that day's episode. I enjoyed shooting the scenes between Harley (Beth Ehlers) and Coop (me) on Wednesday the 12th; they seemed very natural and heartfelt. Beth has a way of helping you really feel the scenes with her magical character persona. I can honestly say that if I worked with her every day, no two days would be the same, and I could learn something new each day. Basically, the scenes felt good and hopefully they will turn out the same. Friday the 14th didn’t exactly turn out how I would have wanted it too. Let me first say that Lizzie (Crystal Hunt) is a very charged performer, and when she’s ready to go, she’s ready to go. She has done some amazing work, some very emotional work, and on Friday it called for some of that work yet again. We were first up in the day, but I had to film more scenes than she did, so I went straight to hair/make-up, then I had to head up, get changed and get ready for the morning’s shooting to begin.
Now usually, Crystal and I would have an opportunity to run our lines a few times so that we could hear the tempo and just make sure we had worked the kinks out of the dialogue. Unfortunately that didn’t happen, so when it came to a very climactic scene, very charged scene, we or rather I, had some hiccups that caused some serious shooting delays. Because of all the physical actions that were involved and how sporadic the dialogue was, and the lack of a "line run-through," I kept blanking on two simple lines, and so we had to re-shoot this one scene close to ten times. I’d like to say that the whole situation felt very much like quicksand. Once you screw-up, you become aware of the place in the dialogue that seems to be giving you all the trouble, and so you focus on nailing just that one place. As a result, because you’re so focused on that one spot, you begin to take for granted other spots in the scene and they become rough spots because you’re not concentrating and thinking, or rather "listening" to your partner. After all, that is what acting is all about right? We listen to our scene partner and "react" to what they tell us and hopefully make it seem very natural. Well I got so thrown that I wasn’t focusing, I was beating myself up inside, apologizing to everyone on set, and became so aware of the entire scene that every line of mine became a trap in my mind. For those of you reading this that are actors/performers as well, I’m sure that you can understand what I’m talking about. All the producers were in the booth watching this and I’m sure they were commenting as I could see the looks on everyone’s face who wore a pair of headsets. Eventually Crystal looked at me and asked, "Would you like to run the lines?"
"Um, yeah that might be a really good idea," I said.
Once we ran the lines, I was able to get back on track and we completed the scene. I was never so happy to finish one scene since I started on the show. I guess I was really scared of what the producers would say to me being as how the previous week, I was late to work for the second time due to my alarm clock malfunctioning, and now this quicksand incident. The lateness just happened to be on the same day the Executive Producer (Ellen Wheeler) was directing. This was the second time on HER day to direct, that I was late. UNBELIEVABLE! Also, there were several people in the cast who had appointments they had scheduled for later in the day that needed to be rescheduled due to our hour and a half loss of time with my scene. People were very much on edge and tempers were beginning to get very short. They told me not to worry and shake it off, but it was because I couldn’t get two lousy lines straight that the backup occurred and people got pissed. Anyway, that was my week of work going into the weekend, not a great start, I have to say.
The other issue that is really on my mind is about friends. It’s about the friends and special people who we let in and the way that we treat them both good and bad. This weekend was hard for me because I had some very special people in my life get hurt by the things I either did or said. Maybe it was more along the lines of what I didn’t do or say. If I had to pick my biggest flaw, it would have to be that I’m horrible at communicating i.e. calling "friends" back and following through with previously made plans. I think that I actually hurt three or four special people in my life in one weekend, ONE FREAKING WEEKEND. It all came down to laziness and fear of confrontation with each person because I had managed to make plans on Friday and Saturday night with each one of them. I went to dinner and bowling on Friday night with the cast when I had agreed to meet with a friend and their group for drinks downtown. When they called to find out where I was, I was already a bit intoxicated trying to forget about that morning’s bad filming episode, and so I was short on the phone and said some hurtful things that I wish I could take back. All this because they wanted to hang out with me and I went back on what and where I said I was going to be. On Saturday night, another friend of mine in Brooklyn had off work and we had agreed earlier in the week that we would get a bite to eat, some coffee and just hang out and talk. Well I didn’t do that, I went into Manhattan and never called them to tell them I changed my plans. They waited all evening for me to make a call telling them I was ready to go and it never came; some friend, right? To top it off, that same night, friends from Connecticut came in and wanted to go bar hopping and have some fun. I told them I’d call them and that we’d meet up in the city somewhere. I never called them back and as it got later, they called me and I never checked my phone until well after I had missed it. Why did I do that? Why was I so caught up in myself and lazy that I didn’t get in contact with those that I call my friends? I’ve spoken to some of them since these incidents and I was so scared of the conflict that might come that I didn’t know what to say except "sorry". What an asshole thing to do, you know? That seems like such a typical young guy thing to do. Now before you say it, yes I am a young guy but this shouldn’t have happened with friends. I could tell that I hurt them on the phone, but they were so above it. "No worries, next time we’ll hopefully get to hang out," or "You better just make it up to me/us," why couldn’t I just be above being so childish like they were? Why am I so scared of confrontation? I guess I could say that it stems from seeing/hearing my parents fight at an early age and not wanting to be like that ever or say hurtful things to those I love and care about. Granted my parents love each other, I know that, but sometimes people just know how to push each other's buttons and so a fight does happen from time to time, it’s natural.
I could go on about this, I’m sure, but I’m going to move along to some upbeat events that happened since my last entry. The "2005 Hottest Hunks of Daytime Calendar" signing event went extremely well in Virginia. People from all over came out to see Gavin Houston (Remy Boudreau) and myself, and it honestly gave me a very warm welcome feeling inside. My family also came out in full force and bought a few Calendars to send to friends and extended family too. I can’t even tell you how many individuals I met and talked to (a couple individuals wanted us to talk to their friends on their cell phones) who really appreciated not only the work we were doing, but supporting a great cause and coming to an area that rarely gets visits such as these. Whether or not it was my hometown, I would go to whatever state, county or mall to meet individuals who support us. You’re the reason why we ("Guiding Light") have been around for over sixty years ultimately. Come to think of it, maybe we should hold an online contest to see which geographic location would like us to come to their area for a "meet and greet". Let’s say the top two finishers get….us out there. Something to think about maybe; let me know what you think of that idea! Anyway, I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone who came out to support us and the Charity we were with and if you haven’t purchased a copy and want to get a copy of this calendar, just go to www.proeventsinc.comand follow the instructions.
I have to say that I’m feeling a bit better now that I’ve gotten some of this out on the table, granted there is still so much more but perhaps another time. I have started responding to some of my "blog" comments but unfortunately some posts will not allow me to respond due to the fact that they aren’t registered users. If I haven’t sent you a response yet, patience is a wonderful virtue that I’m still learning myself; I’m getting to all of them. Finally, thanks ya’ll for listening/reading these posts and again a special thanks from Gavin and I to those who made it out to see us last weekend (love you Mom, Dad, Gene, Erin and the rest of the Driscoll and Haynes clan).
This past week of work went pretty well for me. Every day was different as far as how the filming went (subject matter) and the times that we wrapped up that day's episode. I enjoyed shooting the scenes between Harley (Beth Ehlers) and Coop (me) on Wednesday the 12th; they seemed very natural and heartfelt. Beth has a way of helping you really feel the scenes with her magical character persona. I can honestly say that if I worked with her every day, no two days would be the same, and I could learn something new each day. Basically, the scenes felt good and hopefully they will turn out the same. Friday the 14th didn’t exactly turn out how I would have wanted it too. Let me first say that Lizzie (Crystal Hunt) is a very charged performer, and when she’s ready to go, she’s ready to go. She has done some amazing work, some very emotional work, and on Friday it called for some of that work yet again. We were first up in the day, but I had to film more scenes than she did, so I went straight to hair/make-up, then I had to head up, get changed and get ready for the morning’s shooting to begin.
Now usually, Crystal and I would have an opportunity to run our lines a few times so that we could hear the tempo and just make sure we had worked the kinks out of the dialogue. Unfortunately that didn’t happen, so when it came to a very climactic scene, very charged scene, we or rather I, had some hiccups that caused some serious shooting delays. Because of all the physical actions that were involved and how sporadic the dialogue was, and the lack of a "line run-through," I kept blanking on two simple lines, and so we had to re-shoot this one scene close to ten times. I’d like to say that the whole situation felt very much like quicksand. Once you screw-up, you become aware of the place in the dialogue that seems to be giving you all the trouble, and so you focus on nailing just that one place. As a result, because you’re so focused on that one spot, you begin to take for granted other spots in the scene and they become rough spots because you’re not concentrating and thinking, or rather "listening" to your partner. After all, that is what acting is all about right? We listen to our scene partner and "react" to what they tell us and hopefully make it seem very natural. Well I got so thrown that I wasn’t focusing, I was beating myself up inside, apologizing to everyone on set, and became so aware of the entire scene that every line of mine became a trap in my mind. For those of you reading this that are actors/performers as well, I’m sure that you can understand what I’m talking about. All the producers were in the booth watching this and I’m sure they were commenting as I could see the looks on everyone’s face who wore a pair of headsets. Eventually Crystal looked at me and asked, "Would you like to run the lines?"
"Um, yeah that might be a really good idea," I said.
Once we ran the lines, I was able to get back on track and we completed the scene. I was never so happy to finish one scene since I started on the show. I guess I was really scared of what the producers would say to me being as how the previous week, I was late to work for the second time due to my alarm clock malfunctioning, and now this quicksand incident. The lateness just happened to be on the same day the Executive Producer (Ellen Wheeler) was directing. This was the second time on HER day to direct, that I was late. UNBELIEVABLE! Also, there were several people in the cast who had appointments they had scheduled for later in the day that needed to be rescheduled due to our hour and a half loss of time with my scene. People were very much on edge and tempers were beginning to get very short. They told me not to worry and shake it off, but it was because I couldn’t get two lousy lines straight that the backup occurred and people got pissed. Anyway, that was my week of work going into the weekend, not a great start, I have to say.
The other issue that is really on my mind is about friends. It’s about the friends and special people who we let in and the way that we treat them both good and bad. This weekend was hard for me because I had some very special people in my life get hurt by the things I either did or said. Maybe it was more along the lines of what I didn’t do or say. If I had to pick my biggest flaw, it would have to be that I’m horrible at communicating i.e. calling "friends" back and following through with previously made plans. I think that I actually hurt three or four special people in my life in one weekend, ONE FREAKING WEEKEND. It all came down to laziness and fear of confrontation with each person because I had managed to make plans on Friday and Saturday night with each one of them. I went to dinner and bowling on Friday night with the cast when I had agreed to meet with a friend and their group for drinks downtown. When they called to find out where I was, I was already a bit intoxicated trying to forget about that morning’s bad filming episode, and so I was short on the phone and said some hurtful things that I wish I could take back. All this because they wanted to hang out with me and I went back on what and where I said I was going to be. On Saturday night, another friend of mine in Brooklyn had off work and we had agreed earlier in the week that we would get a bite to eat, some coffee and just hang out and talk. Well I didn’t do that, I went into Manhattan and never called them to tell them I changed my plans. They waited all evening for me to make a call telling them I was ready to go and it never came; some friend, right? To top it off, that same night, friends from Connecticut came in and wanted to go bar hopping and have some fun. I told them I’d call them and that we’d meet up in the city somewhere. I never called them back and as it got later, they called me and I never checked my phone until well after I had missed it. Why did I do that? Why was I so caught up in myself and lazy that I didn’t get in contact with those that I call my friends? I’ve spoken to some of them since these incidents and I was so scared of the conflict that might come that I didn’t know what to say except "sorry". What an asshole thing to do, you know? That seems like such a typical young guy thing to do. Now before you say it, yes I am a young guy but this shouldn’t have happened with friends. I could tell that I hurt them on the phone, but they were so above it. "No worries, next time we’ll hopefully get to hang out," or "You better just make it up to me/us," why couldn’t I just be above being so childish like they were? Why am I so scared of confrontation? I guess I could say that it stems from seeing/hearing my parents fight at an early age and not wanting to be like that ever or say hurtful things to those I love and care about. Granted my parents love each other, I know that, but sometimes people just know how to push each other's buttons and so a fight does happen from time to time, it’s natural.
I could go on about this, I’m sure, but I’m going to move along to some upbeat events that happened since my last entry. The "2005 Hottest Hunks of Daytime Calendar" signing event went extremely well in Virginia. People from all over came out to see Gavin Houston (Remy Boudreau) and myself, and it honestly gave me a very warm welcome feeling inside. My family also came out in full force and bought a few Calendars to send to friends and extended family too. I can’t even tell you how many individuals I met and talked to (a couple individuals wanted us to talk to their friends on their cell phones) who really appreciated not only the work we were doing, but supporting a great cause and coming to an area that rarely gets visits such as these. Whether or not it was my hometown, I would go to whatever state, county or mall to meet individuals who support us. You’re the reason why we ("Guiding Light") have been around for over sixty years ultimately. Come to think of it, maybe we should hold an online contest to see which geographic location would like us to come to their area for a "meet and greet". Let’s say the top two finishers get….us out there. Something to think about maybe; let me know what you think of that idea! Anyway, I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone who came out to support us and the Charity we were with and if you haven’t purchased a copy and want to get a copy of this calendar, just go to www.proeventsinc.comand follow the instructions.
I have to say that I’m feeling a bit better now that I’ve gotten some of this out on the table, granted there is still so much more but perhaps another time. I have started responding to some of my "blog" comments but unfortunately some posts will not allow me to respond due to the fact that they aren’t registered users. If I haven’t sent you a response yet, patience is a wonderful virtue that I’m still learning myself; I’m getting to all of them. Finally, thanks ya’ll for listening/reading these posts and again a special thanks from Gavin and I to those who made it out to see us last weekend (love you Mom, Dad, Gene, Erin and the rest of the Driscoll and Haynes clan).
posted by Alina Adams at 7:38 AM
12 Comments:
John--
What a day to check the blogs! You did a very good job, this entry is a keeper. But I got a quick note on your weekend troubles and a remedy you may want to try even though you are not going to like it.
Now first off- I don't know of you but what you write in your blog, and you don't know me. So please don't take this advice personally if you find it offesive(an you crazy fans- don't be outraged).
Next- you should not feel guilty about choosing your co-workers over your buddies- you're not in an office type or food service atmosphere- you need to be comfortable with these people both forwards and backwards- so it's good to spend that time off set just working the times together.
BUT- okay I hate buts-
However John, your friends should not be left to hang on your string. Now you write like you really care about them. So you need to take some alone time to sit and think. You are going to hate this but unfortuantly it's a part of life-
You need to consider who you want to be freinds with and who is just going to have to be happy getting a christmas card and the occassional 'just because' letter.
It's hard and it can make you really upset but you're crossing the bridge into 'adulthood' and choices need to be made.
Now the answer to all your problems:
YOU ARE TAKING ON WAY TOO MUCH- TRYING TO MAKE TOO MANY OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY!
You said you are emailing everybody back that posts to the site, right? Well, I'm sorry but hunny that is one more obligation that you don't need in your life. You post to your blog to touch base and you read the responses- answer them within the blog. It may seem easy to do now- but it's stress that you don't need cause you know what will happen?
You start a blog- you post your thoughts- other people post a response- you email all people back- your spending 3 hours a week emailing fans back and forth- no time for blog- no time for any other fans- spending 15 more minutes a week emailing people back and forth- so tired of emailing everybody back - you stop all together- thing that gave you some joy now gives you none.
This is deadmans curve your turning down. You'll get burnt out and you'll be stressed out.
Your priority should be yourself. Don't think of it as losing friends. It's ok to be friendly- yes, but friends- no. Thats not your job. Your job is not to be there for everybody you know or everybody you grew up with or every person you met at college.
I know this is confusing and I know you may not want to consider it- but when you take control of who you are and what you do with your time- its a win, win. Don't look at it as being childish or self-centered because really it's not. You have to decide who and what to make time for (this includes your job and your partner) and I know better than anybody that it really stinks that there is only 24 hours in a day.
Take care-
Lara-ann
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Hey John,
You did great with this blog entry. I'm sorry you had a rough time at work with those scenes you were working on with Crystal Hunt. We all have Good days and Bad days and I'm sure your collegues could tell you similar stories.
John just take a deep breath and let you mind clear and system level.
As to the problems with friends-we all have some sort of problem(s) at some point at working schedules out with friends and yes at some point friends will be hurt but the sitautions can and will be worked out.
Be who you are John that's all people want... That's who friends saw to begin with.
Take Care,
Shanna
wheels9_78@yahoo.com
Hey John,
I've been reading your blog since the beginning but haven't gotten around to commenting yet but I just had to say how great it is that you keep up with the blog and really let us in on your life.
It seems like you've had a hard time of things. I know what it's like to avoid confrontation and the trouble it can cause. I spent a good part of my life getting walked on because I just didn't wanna deal with confrontation (and in the process I hurt some people I cared about and lost a few friends). It takes some times but sometimes dealing with a few minutes of hard confrontation is better in the long run and saves everyone some hardache. I hope you don't mind my commenting on that. I admire that you shared that in your blog. It's nice to know I can relate to someone whom I admire as a talent.
And I relate to your mishaps on the set too. I do a lot of singing and I've had the same problem. I've gone flat on a note and once it's pointed out and I'm focusing so much on that one note the rest of the song goes to hell too. It's a horrible cycle. I guess that comes with any kind of performing.
I am looking forward to seeing Coop more on GL though, I don't feel he's been in the storylines nearly enough. I've been watching the show since I was 6 (I'm almost 21 now) and I'm always amazed with the great actors they find. I'm really impressed with the young talent right now. Tom, Stephanie,and you are all just so amazing. Anyway, I don't want to take up all your time, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone and I hope things start looking up for you soon.
Keep the Faith,
Michelle
Hi John!
First off, I haven't posted as a commenter in awhile, you are doing a great job with the blog. Its very nice to learn things about those that you watch on tv. You have such a heart for the fans and an evident love for what you do. Its very inspiring... I wish I had a job like that -not acting mind you... I'd be frozen in place and unable to speak!
Don't beat yourself up so much. Everyone has their off day. You probably felt rushed and not as prepared as you'd like to feel. I wouldn't expect anyone to give 100% all the time at their job. And I bet all the veterans on the show have had days like that. So you aren't the first, and you won't be the last! :)
As for the friend thing, everyone has blown off a friend at some point. And it sounds like you have full life with lots of social options AND friends! You can't please everyone all the time.
But I have been at the point where your friends were recently. Not a great feeling of course... talk it out though. I totally hate confrontations as well but sometimes it totally strengthens relationships. Or if the time has passed to talk it out, just do something nice for that friend... I don't know, it might make a difference since you are a boy... but if they have a favorite place/movie/hobby... go do something with them. Go out to dinner somewhere... You don't have to get all mushy or "oh I love you as a friend" type thing, just show them that you care. Surprise them by picking them up and going out or something.
I'm really looking forward to the show. I hope we see more of Lizzie/Coop together or I'm still sort of hoping for a Tammy/Coop pairing. That was my original thought! Good luck and don't worry so much! :)
God bless!
Heather
Hey John,
Thanks for sharing this. I know it usually helps to "talk" about something, even if only to get your thoughts straight in your own mind.
As for the trouble at work...just let that one roll off your back. It was a bad day, which we all have, but in retrospect, doesn’t the good far outweigh it? Just keep giving 100% as I know you do and you’ll be just fine.
Well…the work stuff is the easy part. Friendships are a wonderful gift, but not easily maintained. So, you had a bad weekend and you didn’t hold up your end. I’d be pretty ticked at you too...BUT beyond that I would understand that these things do happen sometimes and realize that I’ll probably need the same consideration from you one day down the road. Friendship revolves around give and take. This weekend you took, so next time you’ll be the one giving.
That being said, I agree that you have to be careful how many things you take on. You can’t do it all, so there’s not a lot of use in trying. This way, as long as you’re not agreeing to something every time you turn around, you (and your friends) can be more confident in knowing you will keep your word when you say you will be somewhere or do something with them. The key is in not over-committing yourself.
By the same token, you don’t have to close yourself off entirely. These aren’t dire straights by any means. Clearly you have a big heart for people and it is inherent in you to put yourself out there. Otherwise this wouldn’t even be an issue for you. So don’t go changing who you are; just know your limits.
Anyway, I feel like this may as well be MY blog with how I prattle on sometimes. But it’s my nature. LOL. Again, I had a blast in Chantilly and am counting the days till Vegas!
Amanda
Amanda@michaelparkfans.com
Hey John,
This is all new and exciting for you. There are so many demands, and you can't meet them all. I'm sure your CT friend understands, and being that it's close by, I don't think it would be a huge deal. No sweat, I'm sure. Besides I think you made up for it beforehand... b-day trips. ;)
later!
Hey John,
Hope you're having a better week, and wanted to let you know that I'm heading to NYC next week for several grad school auditions mid-week to the weekend. Wondered if you'd be in town... and no pressure at all, but it'd be great to catch up with someone from George Mason that has really hit it big!
Peace, Elise... by the way, my BLog is now up and running, so if you have a moment to respond, if not, take it easy~
Time for a new post, John Boy
Hey hows it going,
I must say first I am a huge fan, I think your work is AWESOME! Speaking of Awesome having a blog where fans can come read and get a little more insight into your life is soo cool, and I for one must say that I apprecaite you taking the time out to do so. I will keep checking back and I def will stay tuned in!
FYI john: jesako.blogspot.com
Hey there. I'm not even sure if you'll read this because of the date, but I wanted to comment anyway. I've just recently found your blog and have been reading through it.
Your openness and vulnerability in this post is touching. I hate to say that again because I said that on another one of your entries, but I can't help it, it just is.
Everyone faces challenges at one point or another. Unfortunately, there are times when we all behave as less than what someone else deserves. You're very hard on yourself and I can so relate to that. The fact that you think you could have acted better says alot about you. It says that you are kind and compassionate and that you care, which makes you a better friend already. Sadly, some people never see their own shortcomings. You're blessed that you're not one of those people.
It's hard enough when we look at ourselves and see that our actions have hurt someone, but you went a step further and shared it with everyone. Thank you for sharing that part of yourself.
As far as work, everyone has off days. God knows I've had one or two myself *smiles*. Some days are more challenging than others, but I have a saying that I made up for that. "Challenges strengthen our character and broaden our viewpoints." Sometimes I'm so challenged I feel like my character is titanium, lol
I know this has been awhile ago, and I hope that your days have been alot better. But when they're not and you're challenged, just remember your character is going to be like titanium too. That's a good thing *smiles*.
Sharon
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